arrays | yours in demigodishness

“But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing when your parents die, you feel like instead of going in to every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone.”

It happened every year on that night, and this one was no different. The nightmares always found him on that day, early in June, even if he'd lost track of the date, like he had this week. Since learning about the demigod thing, and their... special relationship with dreams, he'd started to wonder if it wasn't Gaea herself still trying to break him. He wondered why she apparently had such a personal interest in him - Leo may have the Blessing, but he was still just a mechanic, hardly her biggest threat.

That night brought the worst nightmare he'd had in a while. Maybe it was because of the encounter with Melinoe, but this time, he didn't just relive what happened through his own perspective of that night, as usual. No, tonight, Leo was treated to watching his mother suffer, banging on the door for help, desperately calling his name even while choking on fumes from his own fire. He saw the flames billow up around her, corner her, peeling her skin and burning her hair and clothes. Still, she cried his name, even when the worst happened. Her skin bubbled, broke, charred, all that had happened in the vision the Underworld goddess had given him in the woods, made infinitely worse by the sound of her screams.

He woke with a jolt, blanketed in flames.

Leo chose not to go back to sleep after that. It would only invite more nightmares. The forge was a better place for him - at least there, if he lost it, the flames would be contained, and work was a good distraction. He loved his mother, but he didn't want to think about her - not like that. So he worked until the sun came up, until the rest of the camp stirred and awoke. Dany tried to speak to him, having helped him extinguish the flames in the night, but he couldn't do it - wouldn't do it. Finally, Leo got fed up with the pretense of work and... left. Dany may be safe from his power, and so was Kevin, but Leo found that right now, he was a little too on edge, a little too unstable to contain the Blessing entirely, even with distractions. He didn't trust himself around people, and there was only one place in camp where he could really be alone.

To Bunker 9 it was. Of course, he had to be careful even there. There were too many precious things there that could be lost. But he was tired of playing at being okay, hiding how he felt with jokes and projects and idle chatting. And if he was really going to have problems today, well... he didn't want to hurt anyone. So he ran away yet again.

The back room, the one with the bed, was his best chance at not destroying anything important, so that's where he went. He was careful in clearing out a space, and once he did, Leo settled on the floor, arms resting loosely on his knees and forehead laid down on his arms. There, he sat for a while, his fingers tapping a half-hearted pattern on the side of his leg. He couldn't help but think about her, regret everything, replay the stupid nightmare and that October morning in the woods and everything else that had gone wrong, completely heedless of the flames that rippled over his body with each passing thought. It felt like he would burst, if he couldn't get his mind onto something else.

It wasn't unusual for the two of them, as a couple, to spend time apart from each other; it's perfectly healthy, giving each other space when necessary. They're both attuned to the other's coping mechanisms, with Natalie's tendency to hide and push, and Leo's penchant for running away. If only she could shut out the world for them both, for him, at least for a moment.

At least, Natalie knows where to find him when she can't locate him in the other usual places. She has a sour feeling, like a drop in her stomach, and she never knows how to approach him when she realizes the date. After asking one of his siblings to let her into the bunker, she steps in, hands shoved into the pockets of her denim shorts to keep herself from fussing and fidgeting. She hopes he will let her in, though she always thought he was more open to company than she had ever been during difficult times such as this one.

Slowly, because she does not want to startle him, she makes her way around the work tables, lightly touching various tools and projects once she pulls her hands out of her pockets. Once she reaches the back room, instead of speaking, she lightly taps her greeting on the door: 'Hi, Leo. Missed you earlier.'

He was trying the deep breathing method and getting nowhere. His mind moved faster than he could even pretend to keep up with sometimes, and by now, it was going over the possibilities of what could have been. What was that drill bit design his mother had been working on so diligently, that she was so sure would help them live better? That was one thing she'd never involved him in, and he had no idea of how to go about recreating it in her memory, no matter how much he wanted to.

Part of him wondered if Hephaestus knew, and if he would give the answer to Leo if he asked. It would help if his dad ever gave him the chance to ask, but his track record didn't make that look like a bright opportunity.

A sound caught his attention, and he almost looked up, but he stayed where he was, listening. The door. Someone was coming, probably Dany coming to look for him - but the tapping gave it away. He'd never taught his sister how to speak in Morse code. Natalie. He wasn't sure how he felt about having her here with him like this - at least Dany would be safe if he flared up - but he couldn't deny there was something desperate inside of him that wanted her to just come over and sit with him, let him cling to her for a while. So with a slow exhale, he curled into himself a little tighter and tapped back, the sound soft on the floor: 'Needed to be alone."

Natalie nods to herself, arranging the taps in her head as she formulates a response; Morse code didn't come to her as easily as she liked, at least creating full sentences. After her quick memorization with him, she spent time by herself practicing phrases, expanding her tapping vocabulary. As far as she knows, this is something else she can share with him and it is important to her that she perfects this skill as well.

She scratches under the headband keeping her curls away from her face and presses her ear to the door. 'Do you want me to go? I don't want to, but I will," she taps with her fingernail. Being a comfort to anyone else doesn't come so easily but with Leo it's somehow intuitive - maybe all that has to do with love. He shouldn't be alone like this, regardless of what he might think. 'I don't know what happened last night but I wish I was there to help you.'

He bit his lip, taking a deep breath to try and tame his power before responding. It didn't work.

Still, there was the that sense of need that he couldn't shake. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to risk tears, and he managed a simple reply. 'Don't go.'

That's enough of an invitation for her. Pushing the door open finally, Natalie doesn't hesitate or fuss with her clothes or hair. Instead, she makes a beeline for Leo, sitting down and instantly wrapping her arms around him, ready for flame or rejection, but hoping for something else entirely.

"I'm sorry," she says finally, nosing his hair. "I'm so sorry."

His reaction was barely noticeable - another indication that something was very wrong - with Leo simply taking a shaky breath and leaning against her just slightly. He was still trying to hold it together, if only so he wouldn't hurt her.

"I might need a new bed," he managed finally, voice small and muffled against his arms. The one he had wasn't in ashes, at least, but it had to be ruined after what he'd done.

"We'll build you a new one," she murmurs into his hair before pressing her lips there, closing her eyes. Her legs stretch out for a moment so she can kick off her sandals before she curls up around him. There is a charred smell in the air but she doesn't linger on that, focusing only on the boy she has in her arms.

"What do you want me to do?" she continues softly, dropping a kiss to his arm.

Only then did he start to unfurl himself, little by little. He turned toward her, still tense, but loosening enough to find her hand with his, skin burning. Leo didn't have an answer for her, but before he could stop himself, words were spilling out of his mouth.

"Nightmare," he was mumbling against her arm. "It wasn't like before. I saw the fire. I saw her." Leo opened his eyes, searching for Natalie's, ghosts dancing behind them. It never quite occurred to him how much he needed her, but today, as bad as it was, he needed some kind of anchor. His voice was shaky, barely audible when he said, "I watched her die."

Just thinking about it brought flickers of flame to his fingertips.

"Shit," she swears under her breath. She maintains the space between them, keeping her eyes on his, even as she instantly pulls her hand out of his grasp when the flames appear. They reach for his face instead and she licks her lips nervously, wanting to keep him calm and definitely not wanting to cause alarm with her own jerky movements.

"Focus on me," Natalie tries next. "I know she's everywhere in your thoughts right now, but you can't keep her in your head like that." How helpful is this? She isn't sure. It seems stupid, telling him to just think about her but - she's here, flesh and blood, and she can pull him out of this low moment.

The effect seeing the flames and seeing her jerk away from him - a perfectly normal reaction, he told himself - was clear. His hands trembled, the flames licking at his wrists and wanting to go up his arms.

"Natalie, I don't want to hurt you." The words came out as a plea, the frustration he felt evident in his eyes. Leo needed her, but he didn't know what he would do if he burned her. "I don't want to lose you, too."

"I know."

Natalie set her jaw, staying still for a moment because she wants to be careful - sure, she wanted to be safe, but she didn't want another burn resting on Leo's conscience. Moving swiftly, she moved closer to him so she could at least provide a kiss for support.

"I'm gonna be right here," she reassured him, "as long as you want me around."

It's that one, small touch that helps steady him, the fire faltering as he nodded in reply. His hands were still shaking, but with her here, Leo had every reason to fight his power. It took time, concentration, and her support, but eventually, it died down to sparks. A little more time, and it was gone altogether, though he was still on edge.

Once it was done, he looked back at Natalie, his hand tentatively seeking hers to pull her to him.

She smiled tentatively. "Good."

It was easier, letting him pull her closer, and that was when an idea struck. It wasn't very original, considering how often she used the technique herself, but it could help him in return and that was more important to her. Let them deal with the aftermath tomorrow.

Slowly, she pulled herself into his lap, close enough to further prove that she wasn't frightened, resting her forehead against his.

She may not have been afraid, but Leo was. He knew exactly how close to the edge he was, and he was still letting off enough heat that she should, too. It was clear what she had in mind the instant she settled into his lap, even if she didn't push it - they'd been here enough times before that he could easily recognize it, positions switched and all.

It sent a fresh wave of panic through him.

"I don't want to hurt you," he said again, voice strained.

Natalie didn't move from her position just yet, keeping her hands secure on his shoulder, her gaze unwavering.

She didn't want to say that he won't hurt her, but, "I'll risk it." Not that this was any more comforting, but it was still the truth. Her lips sought her for a more tentative kiss.

He trusted her not to lie just to make him feel better, but she had more trust in him than he did in himself. When she kissed him, his grip on her arms tightened, but he kissed back hesitantly, just hoping he didn't burn her.

"See?" she whispered hopefully, "we're totally okay."

Her thumb grazed his cheek affectionately before she lifted her chin to press her lips to his forehead. It wouldn't be right, she thought, to jump into anything sexual, but she was fully aware of the effects of physical contact, especially for people like them.

Biting his lip, Leo leaned into her touch and wished he could believe her. He wanted to, and having Natalie here was a comfort, but it would take a lot to get his mind off of what happened. Shifting, he slid his arms around her waist, closing his eyes and burying his face in her neck.

Nothing is ever easy and she had been well aware of that fact her entire life. It still doesn't mean that she won't put forth an effort for him. They would go slowly.

Her hands move in a pattern, over his back, his arms, his neck, through his hair, over and over again - her attempt at soothing. "You know I love you."

There was a soft sound at the contact, and Leo nodded into her shoulder. He gave a shuddering sigh, willing himself to calm down. Wasn't he the one always accusing her of thinking too much?

After a while, he pulled back just enough to look up at her, wanting to stay close in spite of his worries - or really, because of them. "I love you, too."

"Good."

She chuckled quietly, trying to smile for him. "And - and there are people who also love you and think of you as family," Natalie continued, threading her fingers through his hair. "They trust you." Shifting her body, she moved from her sideways position to face him fully, legs on each side, sitting taller. "I know it doesn't - you're feeling low and it doesn't seem like any of it is true but I mean everything."

"I know. It - That's not what I'm worried about." He shook his head, frustrated. "It's - I don't want to hurt anyone, but it's already happened once. What if... What if I lose control again?" he asked, voice a whisper.

His mother had trusted him, too.

"I used to lose control," Natalie explained, "not that it was anything at all like what you experienced, like, mostly me sort of bottling up and then letting it all out all at once. Maybe it's not just mastering techniques but putting yourself in the right mindset, which is easier said than done, but -- maybe it will help."

She squeezed his shoulders. "I -- know it's not easy, with what happened to you. I can't imagine what it felt like and I just feel like I'm talking out of my ass trying to say things to make you feel a little better. I'm sorry."

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