redacted ★ for sisi

[infreefall]

[ Everyone leaves the Realm with a few momentos of their time there. The PHS goes everywhere with Ochako lest she miss a message, kept in her bag next to the insignia pin from Claude’s uniform - both reminders that while her friends are far away, while they may not be able to see each other again for some time, they’re still there, never truly gone. There’s a jian tucked away in the furthest corner of her closet, an attempt to avoid questions even as it inspires Ochako to take kendo classes when she has the time to spare, so that if the day comes that she needs it again, she will be able to wield it well.

There is the silver butterfly, always somewhere within sight. Even when she returns to class, when the sheer normalcy of being back in school like nothing ever happened makes Ochako wonder if the Realm was just some crazy nightmare, the flutter of silver wings catches her eye from the classroom windows, a comforting presence that brings a small smile to her face. She talks to it sometimes when she’s alone, as if Hua Cheng himself might hear it and offer an answer from another world - mostly about how strange it is to have to go right back to everyday life, without any of their friends from the Realm at her side. Funny how she’d gotten used to that so quickly, but readjusting to normal things is turning out to be a struggle.

In the middle of telling the butterfly how hard it is to remember what she was doing for the English essay due this week after eight weeks spent in the Realm, it shatters, and Ochako’s heart stops. For a few long, agonizing moments, all she can do is stare in horror at the place it had been sitting on her desk as the last fragments of silver begin to fade. Then she lunges for her bag, frantically digging out the PHS and searching for the right app. Never did she think that this would be the reason she’d make use of it, as she looks Xie Lian and Hua Cheng’s world and, despite all the promises she’d made to everyone else, immediately enters to look for them. ]

Xie Lian! Xie Lian, did something happen? The butterfly - Is Hua Cheng-san okay?

[ Just looking at Xie Lian will probably be enough. There are no words that she can think of to offer - it was all supposed to be over, after the Realm. They were supposed to be okay. So she gives the only comfort she knows how, throwing herself at Xie Lian to hug him as tightly as she dares. ]

Comments

[dianxias]

[ oh, no, ochako, your timing.

for the sake of kindness, we'll say that the world uber won't give her the exact moment - it's rather a little while after. when ochako appears in xie lian's world, she appears not in the place where that butterfly first disappeared, but rather, in a run down building that must be someone's home. there's a recently patched hole in the wall, and a breeze whistles quietly through the cracks between the boards, but there's no doubt that this is xie lian's beloved puji shrine, and the owner of said shrine, is...

...well, he's here. the sudden arrival of someone in the shrine was unexpected, but he's finding it hard to properly react to it. xie lian looks like... he looks like a mess, honestly, beaten up and bruised, though his healing is moving so quickly that they're rapidly changing and fading in color, and his hair is down instead of in its usual half bun. when he looks up from where he's sitting, it becomes almost blatantly obvious that his eyes are puffy and red, like he's been crying. ]

...Miss Ochako...?

[ and that's all he really has time for, before she throws herself at him in a hug.

her panicked question, the warmth of her hug - xie lian's heart lurches, as he thinks of the answer, and he focuses instead on hugging her back, lifting his arms and curling his fingers in the fabric of her shirt at her back.

he closes his eyes, for a moment. takes a deep breath, in and out.

all banquets in this world must come to an end, your highness. ]

...He's not here right now. [ xie lian says, quietly. because that's what he has to believe. he has to believe that's it. his voice stays gentle as he speaks, aching. ] I'm sorry.

[infreefall]

[ his voice... it pains her to hear him like this, to see xie lian injured, even as his wounds continue to heal before her eyes. and something about the words he chooses, the way he says it, only serves to make her feel even more uneasy.

it can't be as simple as hua cheng just... not being here. there's something more, something very wrong. ]

So where is he?

[ she could take his words at face value, let him have his optimism. she'll cling to it, too, but first, ochako needs to know what xie lian and the butterfly mean. ]

What happened?

[dianxias]

San Lang...

[ even just saying his name makes xie lian hurt. he's felt every second he's been gone, practically living in a daze, and to tell the story makes him feel sort of numb, like he's standing at a distance from it.

xie lian pulls back a little to explain the story, maintaining that quiet tone, though he looks at his lap instead of at ochako. ] I fought against the White No Face [ laughing and avoiding spoilers ] - we did. He was so, so strong, and he had nearly overwhelmed me, but San Lang..

[ he has to stop, for a moment, composing his response. then, slowly, xie lian reaches up to brush his fingers against his neck. he's no longer wearing the bandages around it, and most notably, the black mark ochako may have seen at various trials is gone. ] ...he gave... all of his spiritual energy to me, to break my cursed shackles. Once they broke, I had enough pressure of my own that I was able to defeat him.

[ hua cheng literally freed xie lian. by shattering those shackles into pieces - something truly only hua cheng, with his nearly endless reserves of energy, could have been capable of - he broke xie lian free of the suffering that had held him back for centuries.

...but it came at a terrible cost. ]

...He... disappeared. [ just like he had in that dream, when the white no face stabbed him.

xie lian's worst nightmare, come to life.

he bites his lip as he finishes speaking, letting his hands fall into his lap again, and resting one over the top of the other, as if to calm himself. it doesn't work. ] ...I was holding onto him, and he just - he started fading away into his butterflies, and then -

...he was gone.

[ xie lian closes his eyes, tightly, and squeezes his hands. ] ...I can't sense him anymore, Miss Ochako.

[infreefall]

[ her blood runs cold. hua cheng... gone? it was supposed to be over when they left the realm - no one else was supposed to die! especially not hua cheng, especially not so soon! so ochako clings, for a moment, to the exact words that xie lian had chosen. ]

But... but you said he's not here "right now."

[ that has to mean something, doesn't it? they can't give up yet, right? ]

Does that mean he can come back somehow?

[dianxias]

[ he's clinging to that same hope, so. when ochako says that, xie lian holds onto it, briefly turning his hand over to look at the red string, nicely knotted around his ring finger. ]

...He's still somewhere in this world. That's what this means - if San Lang were gone forever, then it would have vanished. [ but that doesn't mean xie lian doesn't miss him. it doesn't mean watching him disappear into particles of nothingness that he couldn't hold onto didn't destroy him. it doesn't mean that he won't look to his left every day, expecting skin as white as snow, clothes as red as maple.

but it does mean he will come back. ] I've been watching it every day, just in case, and it has not changed in the slightest. His spiritual energy was gone, and those things take time to restore. He promised me he'd return.

[ as he speaks, xie lian reaches up around his neck, and pulls the chain he's been wearing since the day it was given to him off. the diamond ring on the chain, clear and lovely, still glitters in the light, and he sets it in his palm, cupping it carefully, letting ochako look at it, too. ]

...there is only one way to truly kill a ghost of San Lang's strength, and I hold it here, in my hands.

[ time for some ring lore ]

[infreefall]

[ at that, she breathes a soft sigh. part of her is relieved, in knowing that he isn't lost forever, but the rest... ]

He kept saying he was the villain, but that's not true, is it? He really is a hero, when it matters the most.

[ even when it comes down to the sacrifices of heroes - but only for xie lian, wasn't it? and of course xie lian is bearing that heavy burden all on his own. he never does ask for help, does he? it worries her, and no doubt hua cheng would be unhappy with it, too. ]

...Your ring? [ frowning, ochako leans a little closer, as if doing so will reveal any secrets it may have. ] How can a ring kill someone as strong as he is?

[dianxias]

...en. [ he agrees, the noise soft, the smile on his face fond -- bittersweet, are the rise of emotions in his chest that come with it. hua cheng is his hero, and has been for a long time. ]

...I think often of what you told me - that heroes forget how their sacrifices hurt those they leave behind.

[ though... he doesn't think san lang forgot. he knew, he had to know, if the way he talked to xie lian before he disappeared was any indication. the way he looked at him - how cheeky to the end, he'd prayed to never rest in peace. it was a selfless act, and one xie lian couldn't even stop him from doing. (he would've found another way. he could've. he just never thought san lang was - he never thought he could be anything but infallible, with his powers back.

it's a shame the realm didn't teach him that lesson, either.)

briefly, his thumb closes over the ring as he continues. the words xie lian speaks seem to be coming from somewhere else, for a moment, as if he's pulling on the nostalgia of an autumn day long passed by. ]

...It is a sentimental custom in the Ghost Realm, to place the ashes of your remains in the care of another person. To do so is the ultimate form of trust - to have a ghost's ashes means you hold their very life in your hands. The minute these ashes are destroyed, then San Lang... as anyone who knew him, would simply seek to exist.

[ slowly, his fingers curl around the ring. ]

...San Lang told me that. And when I asked him about his, he said... that he didn't care, if the person who he entrusted his ashes to destroyed them, or did what they wanted with them - if that person wanted him dead, then he deserved to be dead. He said, if something happened to the place where he put his ashes, then he wouldn't want to live anymore, anyway.

And the place where he put his ashes was... [ ....

xie lian takes a breath. the words feel sticky, in the back of his throat, and he huffs a quiet, watery laugh. ] ...He gave them to me.

San Lang turned them into this, and gave the ring to me, weeks after we met. He told me it was just a trinket, an unimportant ring I could do whatever I wanted with.

[ his hands curls around the ring, now, and covers it, as if protecting it, squeezing it once, tight, in his hands, and letting it ground him to the fact that san lang still has to be here, somewhere. that san lang saw his own life as so unimportant - it feels unbelievable, to xie lian, because this is the most precious and tender thing he's ever held. ]

[infreefall]

[ even before he says it, ochako can see where this is going. she pulls back with a soft but sharp inhale, as suddenly it all clicks why xie lian would never let go of that ring, even during the trials in the realm. to be entrusted with someone’s life... she can hardly even imagine what that must feel like, but all the same -

she leans close, to wrap her arms around xie lian once more. ]

Then he’ll come back, just like we did in the Realm.

[ of course he’d already know that, but sometimes, hearing something from someone else helps make it feel real, doesn’t it? like you aren’t just fooling yourself, like there’s really a chance for what you’ve chosen to believe in. ]

I know there’s no other place he’d want to be than with you, so he’ll show up again sooner or later. And we’ll have to throw him the best welcome back party he’s ever seen when he does, won’t we?

[ optimism - because even if it hurts now, there’s always a way to make it better, somehow, as long as they refuse to give up. ]

[dianxias]

[ it's been so, so hard.

things in xie lian's life have certainly changed, since before and after his trip to the realm - the biggest thing of all has been the strange and novel feeling that he has friends. even here, at home, his relationship with mu qing and feng xin has been more or less repaired, his old tutor is alive - there's the windmaster, there's qi ying, there are people that have started to fill in eight centuries of loneliness and suffering with color and light. suddenly, he's no longer alone.

...but with san lang gone, it feels like there's a hole in his heart, and somehow - somehow, even now that he has people who love him, who care for him, xie lian just feels lonely. it's like having a taste of water after crawling through a desert, dying of thirst, only to have the water ripped from your hands. wouldn't anyone hurt, afterwards? to understand the sweetness of being wanted and loved and understood, by someone who knew you more than anyone you'd ever even realized, only to have that taken away?

having ochako here is a reminder, though, that he's not alone. the hug gets to him, reminds him of a thousand others before, of a girl falling apart in his arms after the death of her closest friend. her optimism and light is something to hold onto, something he treasures, and after a moment, xie lian nods, gently letting the ring on the chain fall back against his chest to return the hug. ]

...En. We will.

[ how long is it going to be? will it even be in this lifetime, in the breadth of a human? or will he wait centuries like san lang did for him?

he hopes its the former. with all of his strength, xie lian really does. ] ...He will be happy to know you were thinking of him, Miss Ochako. I'm sure of it.